File 035: Compromising Situations
To begin...
Let me first say that I am not doing this because the majority of you voted yes.
But before I get into the reasons behind this choice, a short list of things that make me uncofortable. (Dressing in drag should be obvious and hence is not listed.)
1. Locked doors.
I do not have claustrophobia. I could sit in a cramped, dark closet for any lenght of time and be perfectly fine, provided I could open the door and leave at any time of my choosing. But put me in any space (even a sizable one) where there is no possible way for me to escape without outside help, and I will go fucking insane.
2. Hospitals/Institutes and those who work there.
I've spent entirely too much time in both and I have no wish to spend any amount of time in either ever again. While I realize that the majority of doctors, psychologists, therapists, etc etc are perfectly legitimate and with all good intentions, I'll pass, thanks.
I don't like people poking around in my head, trying to figure me out, to "fix" me. I'm well aware of my faults, I don't need anyone to point them out to me. There are plently of other patients who need attention more than I do and who would welcome their assistance. Along a related line I do not like drugs of any sort save nictotine and alcohol (in moderation) and as such, will not take them.
3. Excessive amounts of white.
It reminds me too much of hospitals. (See above.)
4. Social Situations.
I am no good with people. I have never been comfortable speaking to them, being around them, or interacting with them in any way. This is the most problematic flaw of mine. As it's something completely unavoidable, it has been the most difficult issue to deal with even after twenty-five years of life, six months of which have been in this form. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I will not use a person's name unless it's absolutely nessesary, and I'll use their last name before their first. I'd rather talk to someone through the computer or phone lines instead of in person. I tend to avoid eye contact, even for photographs. Anything that allows me to have a bit more distance to make me feel slightly more at ease.
I can count the number of people I am truely comfortable around on one hand. Jinsei and the kid are just barely included in this category, and even that is mostly because we share the same living space and see each other every day. I shouldn't even have to say at this point who sits at the top of this tiny list, and being put into situations like this only makes me miss him more.
The reason why I'm putting myself in an uncomfortable situation I have no wish to be in is this: Look at this as a compromise. This is an attempt to meet all of you half-way despite all my social shortcomings. I'm taking into account all of your personal quirks and personalities, and trying to adjust my behavior to suit this new way of life I've aquired since coming home to Leigh.
Now, with all this in mind... Perhaps you would be so kind as to extend the same courtesy to me?
- 3.31.2005 -
All content/images copyrighted to Leigh. Do not Reuse without permission!
無断使用 複製 配布等を禁止します。
|
